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In polling 118 players, a familiar name was the top pick for worst chirps, while one city has emerged as the runaway favorite for expansion. Illustration: Dan Goldfarb / The Athletic, with photos by Chris Tanouye and Andre Ringuette / Getty Images
Nick Cousins is a perfectly capable third-line winger for the Ottawa Senators. He’s a safe bet to score somewhere between six and 10 goals a year. He’s been in the league for a dozen seasons, hasn’t seen the AHL in a decade, has made more than $11 million and has played for seven teams. He’s a Stanley Cup champion. He’s had a very respectable career in the NHL.
And it seems that everybody hates him.
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In our last incarnation of The Athletic’s anonymous player poll, Cousins was named the NHL’s most punchable player for the second consecutive year. This time around, he’s been dubbed the player with the worst chirps.
Of course, in the NHL, being obnoxious is part of a player’s skill set, so maybe Cousins has the rest of the league right where he wants them.
For this edition of the poll, 118 players participated, though not every player responded to every question.
We asked players:
Now let’s get to the results!
An NHL rink is bluer than a late-night comedy club. Players curse at themselves and at the heavens when they miss a golden scoring chance. They curse at opponents incessantly. They curse at teammates, both encouragingly and disparagingly. Coaches curse at players and refs. And even the refs are cursing at both players and coaches.
But Mark Scheifele doesn’t curse, gosh darnit. And it makes his chirps sound kind of pathetic, according to his peers.
“He doesn’t use cuss words,” said one player who voted for him.
"Because he doesn’t swear,” said another. “He’s never chirped me, but I’ve seen videos of him, and I think it’s hilarious."
"I've got to go with a buddy here,” said another player. “Scheifele. He tries, but he can’t swear. It never delivers very well."
Cousins, of course, ran away with this one, stealing Brad Marchand’s title — and his nickname.
"He's a rat,” one player said of Cousins. “I played with him in Arizona, so I know him. He doesn't even know what he's saying. He just mumbles half the time."
Here are some other nominations:
On Trevor Zegras: "Just a couple of bad chirps, I've heard him say. I'm like, 'What are you talking about?'"
On Tim Stützle: "He just kinda skates around saying stupid s--- about people. It's not creative. Just stupid, useless stuff.
On Mason Marchment: "He just yaps. He doesn't chirp very good."
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On Dmitri Voronkov, from a Blue Jackets teammate: "Nobody knows what he's saying out there. He doesn't know what he's saying."
On Nikita Kucherov: "He starts talking in Russian when he gets pissed off. I have no clue what he's saying."
On Jean-Gabriel Pageau: "He’s a buddy of mine. He’s French. He chirps everyone, but sometimes they don’t always make sense."
On Marchand: "I find every chirp kind of funny. They're trying to give you their best, a little bit. Even if it's a bad one, it makes it almost funnier. Marchand is really funny. He goes overboard sometimes. It's kind of laughable, the stuff he says. One of those guys for sure."
Plenty of players downplayed the effectiveness — or even the existence — of old-school chirping.
"No one really chirps me anymore,” one player said. “You call me old. I'm like, good one. It's a compliment. now. I'm still f---ing playing."
"There's too many sharks in the water to be bad at it,” said another player. “If you're not good, guys just keep their mouths shut."
"They don't talk to much to the goalies until it's playoff time,” said a goalie.
"I find the NHL more respectful,” one player said. “The AHL is the wild west. Everybody's giving me something on the way by.""
"Nobody says anything to me,” one player said wistfully. “I'm kinda taking it personally."
"I don’t get a lot of chirping,” said one congenial player. “I’m so nice. Everybody likes me."
“I don’t speak English,” said another.
Houston is the fourth-largest city in the United States and the fifth-largest in North America. Oh, and you might not have ever heard about this one little aspect of Texas — there are no state income taxes.
Big shock that Houston ran away with this one. A second Texas team has seemed inevitable for years, anyway.
"Makes sense size-wise,” one player said. “Atlanta's a big city, but they were already there."
“I heard it’s unreal,” one player said of Houston.
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“Just because I played there (in the AHL), and I know the fan base there, and it's a great spot to live,” another said.
"I think it’ll be Atlanta, but I’d want Houston,” said another. “I think Houston is a great market. Right in the middle, and there’s a lot of corporate money there. It’s a great city so I think that would be a top one."
“That’s a huge freaking city,” one said. “It would do well there.”
A return to Quebec City has long been a fantasy scenario for Canadian hockey fans, but the Colorado Avalanche appropriating their classic uniforms is probably as close as they’ll ever get.
"I’d love for it to be Quebec City, but that's probably not happening,” one player said.
"I miss the Nordiques,” another said.
"Everybody says Atlanta; I don’t understand why,” said another. “It’s already been there twice. I think Quebec City could do it."
"That city deserves a team,” said another. “I’d love to play a game there.”
While fans might roll their eyes about a return to the desert, Arizona was, is and always will be popular with hockey players — so many of whom are golfers, too.
"It's a great spot — just Glendale had nothing,” one player said. “Like, everything was in Scottsdale. If they could put something closer to downtown, I think it should go back there. I think everyone enjoyed going there."
"I'd like for them to go back to Arizona,” one said. “I really loved playing there. If they can just figure out the rink and where they can be, it's a great place."
"I'm biased; I loved playing in Arizona,” said an ex-Coyote. “I'd love them to get back there."
“It sucks that they don't have a team,” said a likely cold player. “It's a sick place to visit."
“Do it the right way: Put the arena in the right part of (Phoenix), and I think you'd have an NHL hotspot,” said another.
There were plenty of other suggestions.
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On Atlanta: "I could see Atlanta because they’ve already had a team there. I know obviously it wasn’t successful at that time, but I think if you put a better product on the ice and just where the NHL’s at now, I think it could be successful."
On Austin: "The American League team in Austin does really well, and it's a bigger city than people realize."
On Milwaukee (from a Blackhawks player): "It'd be close for us to go and play them. It's a pretty cool city."
On Kansas City: "I always thought Kansas City, but I think it's a tapped market because everybody is probably a Blues fan."
On Miami: "It's got to be somewhere warm."
On Lake Tahoe: "Key West would be fun, too."
Owners like expansion because it lines their pockets with sweet, sweet expansion fees. Players like expansion because it boosts the salary cap and creates more NHL jobs. There will be more NHL teams in the not-too-distant future. But how many is too many?
The prevailing opinion was that 32 is just about right, but 34 would be doable.
"I think it's fine right now, to be honest,” one player said. “It'll create jobs for more players, staff, coaches, so that's nice. But how does it affect the quality of the product?"
"We're pretty close to too big in my opinion, but I don't run the league,” said another. “Thirty-two teams is quite a lot of teams. At one point, you can't have 36 or 35. ... Maybe one more. Maybe. But don't push 34, 35."
"If there are two more, you'd probably keep guys around for a little bit longer,” one said. “There would be a lot more older guys, which I think would be good. ... Probably two more teams and then it would start thinning out."
"I think you've got to start moving teams before you keep expanding,” said one voter, who thought 34 should be the cap.
"I'm on the players' side — the more the merrier,” said one player. “At the end of the day, it'd get pretty watered down, too. There's probably not 40 more good players in the American League right now. So I'm picking one or two max."
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"One of the arguments is the league gets watered down, but I think the skill level of players coming up is so great that I don't think it's as big of an issue,” said one voter who pegged 34 as the right number. “When I first came in, a lot of the kids weren't doing what they're doing now. The more the better."
"Thirty-six would be money,” one said.
"If you get too big, you're going to get into 100-game seasons if you play every team, right?" said one voter who thought 36 was right.
Of course, AHL/NHL tweeners want as many teams as possible.
"I think they should make about 50 teams so I can get in here full time,” one said.
"The NHL can never be big enough."
Typically, when a player grabs his phone after a game, he’s scrolling through texts from friends and family about a sick goal he scored or a fight he had. But with the proliferation of gambling in sports, a new alert is becoming more and more common: Venmo requests from fans who lost money on the game.
How often does it happen?
"Ten times a year,” one player said.
"Quite a bit,” said another. “Not like a crazy amount, not every game, but ... not just once."
"Every time we lose,” a goalie said. “It's pretty often. It's crazy. ... Sometimes it's when we win. I didn't let in enough goals to hit the over. They'll actually put that in the memo."
"It's funny because you can't hide,” another player said. “It's just an innocent thing that you don't know is public, and it's pretty insane that something like that, your name can be found. I've heard guys go both ways. I've been requested something that was almost a joke. I've heard guys say they've been offered money because they won them a bet."
One player said he got a Venmo request from a fan who wanted to buy tickets, and another from a fan who wanted their money back after a loss.
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"All the time, after games,” one player said. “I tried to go private, but I don't know how that works. Sometimes it's like, 'Hey, I want to go on a boys trip. Can you send me like a couple grand?' And sometimes they're like, 'You owe me.' Yeah, I definitely get it. I think I sent someone a couple bucks to have a good time."
"I used to get more of them,” one player said. “I tried to make my name harder to find. I got one here asking me to chip in on their Bud Light fund. It was like a $5 request."
“I get a lot of lost bets,” said another. “That type of thing. It’s mostly just that. 'You guys lost so pay for my ticket.' 'You lost my parlay,' or something, 'so give me $5.' Those come through sometimes. I have a very generic Venmo name, which is a problem. I can sell it a little more cryptic. Got to disguise it a little bit."
Players with Canadian phone numbers can’t use Venmo, so any requests for them come from social media. Plenty of others stay off most apps entirely, and might be better served with a flip phone. Ignorance is bliss.
“What’s Venmo?” asked one player.
Reporting for this story by Arpon Basu, Peter Baugh, Max Bultman, Thomas Drance, Matthew Fairburn, Jesse Granger, Joshua Kloke, Kevin Kurz, Mark Lazerus, Julian McKenzie, Vincent Z. Mercogliano, Aaron Portzline, Scott Powers, Michael Russo, Jeremy Rutherford, Fluto Shinzawa, Joe Smith, Eric Stephens and Josh Yohe.
Written by Mark Lazerus.
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